Monday, May 14, 2007

Ted’s Story, Pt. 3: Is This It?

Ginsberg
“Really, Ted? And you thought me licking myself was weird?”

The third morning after I injected the promicin, I woke up feeling fine — or as fine as one could expect to feel after consuming the largest, most ill-conceived meal of one’s lifetime. (I guess gluttonous death row inmates never had to deal with the morning after.)

I was now at a solid 57 hours of post-injection time, so I was pretty sure I was in the clear. I’d gone through the promicin threshold and come out the other side. It felt great to be alive, especially knowing that I was now a member of humankind’s elite. Enhanced. Homo sapiens 2.0.

So why did I still feel exactly the same?

I sat down in front of the TV, grabbed the remote, then put it back down. I stared at the TV’s unlit screen and concentrated. It didn’t turn on. All righty, so I can’t control electronics with my mind, then.

Got up to make some tea. Left the burner off, stuck my finger in a cup of tap water. Net result: one wet finger. Guess I’m not a Human Hot Plate, either.

Most of day three was spent traipsing around my apartment, touching, poking, pulling and staring at various everyday objects like a lost kid in a Dead show parking lot, amid plenty of confused looks from my dog, Ginsberg. Over the course of the afternoon, I discovered that my 4400 ability is NOT:

Freezing water with my mind, breath or hands
Shattering glass with my mind
Repairing shattered glass with my mind
Sweeping up shattered glass with my mind
Healing a finger that’s been cut on broken glass
Seeing through walls (you’re still safe, Ms. Attractive Blonde Across The Way)
Walking through walls
Turning my gray hair dark again
Regrowing lost hair
Repairing split ends
Make wrinkles disappear (okay, no more looking in the mirror, Ted)
Telekinesis
Shape-shifting (unless you count puffing out/sucking in my gut)
Magnetic attraction (personality doesn’t count)
Turning water into wine (hey, can’t blame a guy for trying)
Making dead plants grow again
Mind control (”You will take this expired coupon, pizza guy.”)
De-moldifying month-old General Tso’s chicken
Making ants obey my commands
Shutting up my obnoxious neighbors with my mind (or mouth)
Holding my breath for more than a minute
Telepathic communication with dogs

Actually, I can’t rule that last one out 100% — it’s possible that my dog received my psychic commands and chose to ignore them, just like he does my verbal ones. But I’m not holding my breath (see above.)

What’s the deal? Was everyone else who’s taken promicin bumping aimlessly around their homes, too, confusing the hell out of their pets, or was it just me? How long was I going to have to wait for my ability?

POSTED BY Ted AT 4:11 pm 05/14/2007 |

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